By Lyba Spring
I guess it depends on what you call “sex,” but sexual routines, even when they work, can become repetitive.
Although you may get off with partnered sex, you may also find yourself observing your pleasure rather than mindfully enjoying it. Author Carol Shields called it, “going through the motions of love.” If the running internal commentary sounds like this: “Now they’re going to move to the other nipple; now they’re going to check to see if I’m wet...” it doesn’t sound like fun. Recognizing that it’s no fun is a good place to start.
When boredom sets in, it may affect frequency of sexual contact, resulting in a discrepancy of desire in the couple. Of course, there may already be other relationship issues requiring attention. Avoidance, or a shoulder shrugging “let’s get it over with” attitude; or worse, the possibility of a real or implied threat of coercive sex, may lead to the end of the relationship entirely.
An article in The Walrus quotes the 2011 Canadian Living Intimacy Survey regarding frequency and mismatched desire. The study found that 53 per cent of Canadians would like to have sex a few times a week, but that 39 per cent are having sex a few times a month, and even less for 23 per cent of people surveyed. Amy Muise is lead author on the paper, Keeping the Spark Alive: Being Motivated to Meet a Partner’s Sexual Needs Sustains Sexual Desire in Long-Term Romantic Relationships which discusses this decline of sexual desire over the course of a relationship. The authors suggest that when desire decreases, couples should focus more on their partner’s needs. They call this “communally oriented sex” or “communal motivation:” “Being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs is beneficial to the self.” This approach differs from simply being accommodating; it means actively seeking to find out more about your partner’s needs, which involves better and more specific communication.
So let’s talk--about fun. Fun often includes excitement. I’ve sometimes wondered why some people find sexual role play so alluring. Then it struck me: it’s the ultimate “let’s pretend” that we enjoyed as children. It may bring back the thrill we get with a new partner and a new situation.
So, let’s pretend that you are with someone who may be open to a new game. How do you raise it? If you have always been sexually frank, it won’t be a problem. But if shyness and embarrassment are part of the reason you have not been able to say that you are bored with your routine, you may welcome a few tricks. In a professional workshop I attended years ago, a sex therapist gave the following suggestion: use the metaphor of treats. If you just feel like having a cuddle, slip a note under your partner’s pillow that says something like “cookie.” If you are looking for the whole shebang (sorry), write “Bavarian chocolate cake” or whatever your equivalent baked desire might be. Notes these days are more likely to be texts. An erotic text like, “let’s play a game tonight…” may open the door to a new experience.
The next time you are getting ready to be intimate, start small. “Do you remember when we first met? Do you remember where we were? Let’s pretend it’s that first time.” Then you can explore memories to set the scene. Some couples who are titillated by this first scene may want to move on to others.
Another possibility is playing “don’t touch me there.” Sex therapists often forbid certain sexual activities when there is a problem with orgasm in order to allow individuals and couples to explore other parts of the body with more attention. You can tell your partner that you want to play a game. They can only do X, Y or Z but not A, B or C. You could make it more exciting by begging them when you get really excited, to pl-e-e-ease touch you there (or to do A, B, or C) with the understanding that they are not supposed to give in.
There may be a sexual activity you’ve always wanted to try but you have been unable to ask for it. Again, a note or text might work, or you can do something out of character like renting a video that demonstrates it in great and graphic detail.
But some of you are shaking your head. You just want to be able to talk openly about an aspect of your sexual relationship that--you feel--needs work. Aside from overcoming the obstacle of finding the words and getting them out, you may be worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. Perhaps the next time you set out to be intimate, start with expressing appreciation. “I love it when you/we…Let’s do that some more the next time.” Or, “I remember once you did X. I fantasized about that for days. I’d love you to do that again.” Or, “you would probably enjoy Y and I would love to give you that pleasure.”
If you like your routine, fine. If you’re bored, fix it. Or at least enjoy trying.
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