"Don't tell the woman with cancer that it will be OK, nobody knows that. Ask her what she needs." - Linda

"Develop phone trees so the information (about how the woman is doing) is shared but one person doesn't have to tell the story dozens of times.... Give little pampering gifts, things that the sick person doesn't have to respond to." - Chris

Often women get a lot of support right at the time of their diagnosis, then not a lot afterwards. As much as possible, make the support you offer part of your daily or weekly routine. For instance, when you are picking up a video for yourself, call and see if she wants one; or when you are picking up groceries, call and say you'll come by for her list. In this way, you can keep the support up over time.

It is natural, when we care about someone, to want them to do absolutely everything possible to get well: check out all the latest medical research, take every alternative therapy, meditate, eat tons of broccoli. Remember that the woman you are supporting may be overwhelmed with information and with choices. Keep in mind that it is impossible for her to do everything, and she may not choose the approach you would take. It is important that she make the best decisions she can for herself, and that she feel supported by you in her choices.

Pamper her. Bring her flowers, or a plant from your garden. Give her a gift certificate for a massage, or offer to give her a backrub yourself. Give her bath oils and soaps. Send a note.

Offer to take the children for a day or evening. Check in with her partner.

Make sure you do not always treat her as though she is sick, or helpless. Be attentive to her needs for privacy, a sense of control, and rest. It is a fine balance, to respond to someone's illness and need for support and at the same time treat her as a whole human being, with lots of strength and resources. You will make mistakes - everyone does. But keep trying.

"I got to the point after talking about the cancer every day that I just wanted to be Annie who had nothing wrong with her. But I also needed to know they were there." - Annie

Tell her about your own life. Many women who are ill are isolated. Everyone avoids 'burdening' them with their own troubles, and feels bad sharing the good things.

Go with her to doctor's appointments and treatment sessions. The section on Relating to Medical Professionals talks about how you can help in this role.

Help in practical ways. Cook a meal and drop it off (make sure you check ingredients first!). Offer to clean the house on some day she is not home. Shovel the snow where she lives. Supporters, especially intimate supporters, can be sponges, absorbing some of the woman's shock, pain and fear.

Don't forget that supporters need support too! You are dealing with your own grief and fear and confusion about the diagnosis. You may want to attend community based 'support for support giver' groups. Form networks outside of your relationship with the woman, to help you cope with your feelings. Go out with other supporters and talk about what it's like for you.

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